Photo by John Warren
Dear Advice Town,
I think I might be falling in love with my best friend! I went through a break up about a year ago, and I am still healing. However, I have a feeling my good friend could possibly be the love of my life. She keeps flirting with me! How should I proceed? I’m deathly afraid of getting my heart broken. Oh yeah, I’m a lesbian and she’s a heterosexual. Does that really matter nowadays?
Infatuated and Frustrated
Oh Infatuated! What am I going to do with you?
This predicament reminds me of that hilarious heart and brain cartoon!
Give it a click and then get back to me. You are going to need a laugh before I serve up the heavy stuff.
You are letting your heart run the show! Oh what fun!?
This is a tangled, mangled, and strangled situation. Let’s speak the obvious for a second. She’s not playing for your league little lady! Let’s say you gals make it through the first few tumultuous years. Won’t you always have that nagging question in the back of your mind, “does she miss Dick, the neighbor down the street?”
How will you feel when your relationship is Rocky Road (with just a hint of listeria) and she’s confiding in her best burly Haagen-Dazs boyfriend because she doesn’t "believe" in therapists?
Relationships take work, finesse, and finagling. You want to add completely changing someone’s sexual orientation to that?
Heart! Sit down! I’m going to have to vote with brain on this nonsense.
Right now is a good time to nurture yourself. Discover what makes you tick, and what you can and cannot live with in a partner. Now slowly, embarrassingly, and painfully create your own contentment. Do the work! Sweat! Cry! Be lonely as balls! Just don’t give into the savory temptation of love without some brutally honest self-analysis.
Let’s ask some extremely tough questions, shall we?
- Are you pursuing this woman to give yourself an incredible ego boost? Will you hold your head a little higher knowing that you possess the power to exile the male species from a woman’s sexual encounters? Will you sleep a little easier knowing that you are the inspiration behind her wading willfully into the beautiful murky waters of womanly love?
- Perhaps you are protecting yourself. Because on a subconscious level you know that if the relationship doesn’t work out, neither of you are to blame. It just boiled down to the unbreakable burden of science.
Now that you are shaking your head at these horrid prodding questions, make a list of all the qualities, talents, and experiences that encompass this woman. It’s time to fumble through that list, and try to discover ways to inject these attributes into your own life without attaching a soul mate. Do you admire her because she is a writer? I suggest that it’s time to start finishing up those short stories from college. Does she make you laugh? Maybe it’s time to surround yourself with some Eddy Izzard action. Try a stand up class or join an improv troupe.
If you are content in your life, and you could not be happier! If all of my previous theories are completely off! If you don’t notice the loneliness, and you feel fulfilled! Then perhaps it’s time to take it all down a notch by partnering up.
Relationships are rough and tumble. You definitely need a hearty friendship to pull you through the dumb volatile arguments over whether or not the light was red when she breezed through it. Screaming matches, uncomfortable awkward silences, lack of trust, and control issues are all land mines placed in the battlefield of long lasting love. The stress of work, life, and major decisions all come with the territory when that sweet Cinderella phase fades, and you are faced with the wicked stepmother nagging about those dirty dishes you left in the sink.
Of course, there are also heart warming, awe inspiring, and insanely supportive moments wrapped in long term love. But for the sake of this situation, I will avoid going into details while I attempt to pull you from the infatuation fog.
You are fresh from a break up for a reason. Maybe she was a crazy lunatic, but quite possibly, you played a role in the scandal as well. Even if you are a perfect angelic being, you are still choosing to chase a crazy and/or challenging love. Why is that?
So I would say at this point in your life, slow down, heal, and become happier than you could ever possibly imagine.
When you do start dating, be sure to observe your partner's behavior because words are cheap and much easier to change. Behavior is truth.
My opinion is only one of many. I hope I have given you some things to think about but you know yourself better than anyone. Take some time, think it through, and once you've searched your soul, follow your heart. ;)
Much love and understanding,